I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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