I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
