We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
