NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
