Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Sober January is a disaster.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
