Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
