im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
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