Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
