I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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