she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
