Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
