A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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