dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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