Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
