Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
