ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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