o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
