Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
