you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
