My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
