i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there's paper in my vomit.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
