this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
