my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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