do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize