Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
