Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize