So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize