its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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