Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
