I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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