ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
