I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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