I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
