I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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