my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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