I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
