hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
