Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
