im having a threesome with these popsicles
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
