I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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