my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
