Plan B is the new Plan A
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
