It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
