I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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