We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
