There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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