i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
