I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
