dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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