that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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