Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
