yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
