I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
