drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
