How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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