Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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