i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I checked into jail on foursquare
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize